Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Lapband pressures

So I hadn't planned to write another blog until Monday (D-DAY for getting off my ass and making a change), but i thought i would discuss my lapband journey abit more in depth. 

Although i have had an insanely rare and crazy journey with the complications with my 4 surgeries, at the end of the day, i am still better off thanks to lapband. 

I mean i look at the past 3years and although my lapband journey only actually properly started just under a year ago, i honestly believe if i didn't have my band, then i would probably be at least 20+kg bigger than i am now. Sure i haven't had amazing results yet, mostly due to me being a fatty boom boom and living like a sloth, but i have not gained a crazy amount of weight either. So in a way Lapband has been a great tool in that sense. It really is such a shame that i've had such a bitch of road of complications as i was really focused and determined 3 years ago when i had my 1st surgery and it all turned to cow dung. But im not going to wallow, i think i can say im learning to let go of my anger around whats happened, no more "woe is me" and more "go is me!" haha Cheese....hmmm i love cheese

Something has ignited in me again and my determination is back, i just hope i can maintain it, it won't be easy but i think baby steps is the key. I have a food plan all good to go and as for weight loss expectations, i am hoping for 5kg in 3 weeks to start off, i know i can do this.

I think some of the hardest hurdles for me personally living with the lapband has been the pressures of expectation from others. Like i said in my previous post, all of a sudden i now actually really give a shit what other people think of me, i dunno why and i never did as a teen or child, but now im so insanely self-conscious and my self esteem is none existent. When i had my first lap band surgery 3 years ago, i told my closet friends and family and only 3 of my work colleges. I was apprehensive at 1st about telling my nearest and dearest, and i don't know why i felt so afraid or embarrassed? I mean these are people who have loved and cared for me all my life, so why did i not want to tell them my exciting life changing news? Well i told them anyways and my darling hubby was and still is supportive all the way, even being average weight and tonned all his life, hubby has been the best supportive network above everyone else, as he tells me its not the weight or size i am that he cares about, its about being healthy and he wants me to be around, so he can love me forever. Yes he is abit of a Romeo at times and my bestest friend, but don't get me wrong, he's far from the 'perfect' male, if there is such a thing but all in all i wouldn't trade him for the world. 

So i told me closest friends and family about my lapband surgery....and when it all turned to shit the 1st time, they were still supportive and caring but after the 4th surgery, i was given a somewhat different response and reaction. Every family gathering, or party with friends and catch ups, i'd walk in the room and all eyes on me, well thats how i felt, as if i was on display and everyone was assessing me and my body to see if i had lost any weight. In addition, i had the same questions, "hows IT all going?", "what do you eat now?", "do you think it is working?"...these are fair questions but to have them asked EVERY TIME i go to a gathering and made to be the highlight topic of conversation, was very embarrassing and i felt very uncomfortable...more so than normal. 

What made it worse, is when i stopped losing weight for awhile, and psychologically this messed with my head, i didn't want to face anyone as i knew the same questions would be asked and expectations and lapband pressures would be expected of me, if i did manage to drag myself to an event, i wouldn't eat or drink anything in front of anyone, just so they wouldn't think poorly of me. 

So if i could turn back the clock, i think i would of kept my lapband surgery a secret, i don't know if anyone else has felt this way? But i think a big key to weight loss, with or without surgery is about sorting out alot of mental issues and making sure you have the right support networks around you. I am the biggest amongst all my friends, im bigger by at leasts 25-30kg, this has never been an issue, as i have wonderful life long friends who have known me since i was 5, but i still can't help but feel judge....i have silly thoughts that they are thinking, "why haven't you lost more?", "what a waste of money and time, you should be smaller and stronger by now why aren't you?"...i broke down to my mum a few months ago before we had to go to a gathering with both friends and family and confessed my feelings about my anxiety about facing everyone, as truth is i haven't lost as much i would like, or should of, and mum replied "well you don't have to go if you don't want too! Its Okay". This made me think that what i was thinking is true! FAILURE is the word i am looking for...because that is what i felt was tattooed on my forehead.
 I'm probably being over sensitive, but this has been just 1 of the many lapband experiences i have had. 

Anywho i am really amped up for Monday and getting active, which has always been my biggest problem and thats shaking my jelly, although i love having a good boogie, but regular exercise just seemed to hard, but to swim in a pool should be a piece of piss.  Obviously I do not eat like i use to before my band, i get food stuck and i spew sometimes, depends on what im eating and when and where i'm eating it. Normally 1st meal of the day, is when i can spew, again depending on what time it is. When i say spew, i am not power chucking, i can feel when my food is stuck, i sit and don't eat, talk or drink when i am stuck, i try and wait for it to pass, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I have to admit i get really upset if i have a meal ready to eat that I am really looking forward too and sometimes even if it soup, I can't keep it down, i've had that happen only a few times but there is nothing worse than being so hungry, trying to eat, even very slowly and not keeping it down, i cry sometimes, because being a food lover all my life, it is torture! Plus sometimes having it stuck can be painful, it know i don't need a fill reduction, it is just me eating at the wrong times of the day and most of the times, the wrong foods. 

If it doesn't pass through i go to the loo, and i just softly cough, no dry retching or gagging, i don't even have to try, i just open my mouth and its done, unblocked. After my 1st spew, i am 99% of time fine after that, i start eating again very very slowly, little bites at a time, on the rare occasion i get stuck again but very seldom. Once abit of food is down, im away laughing and i can eat till im nice and full. I don't spew all the time, but i find when im eating out, it can be a real pain in the ass. I don't know if sub-consciously i am paranoid or anxious about my food getting stuck before hand and this can make my stomach tighten with out my control,  because eating out can be a mission and i always have to make sure a toilet is close by. I guess 1 bonus about me telling my friends and family about my band is that they know that when i pop off to the loo, weather it be 10 times over dinner, they know whats going on. Also they understand why, sometimes it take me 1-1 1/2 (i am not joking) to eat my dinner. I eat cold meals often. Also stress can play a big factor when eating, less stress, less chances of getting stuck and make sure to be sitting comfortably. I don't remember the last time i ate on the go. And if i was really honest, i can eat nearly everything, burgers, steak, bread, all the big no no's of lapband. But i don't eat them often, especially fast food, takes me about 2hours + to eat 1 burger, i kid you not...sometimes its just to much effort for 1 cold burger. 

So what i am doing wrong is, i am not eating regularly, like lunch and dinner at the suitable times and i'm not giving my body the right foods, i will never eat breakfast, i've tried and i just can't, i get physically ill, i have a coffee and smoke (yes im a dirty smoker 2, another thing i want to give up) for breakfast. BUT my major hang up is i do not exercise, not at all! Only housework but other than that, nothing. I am not a big walker, mainly because it hurts my stump to much, because i am fat 2 much walking rubs it raw, blisters etc. its not an excuse, just the truth 2 fat to walk and if i do i bleed, so i don't walk and i get fatter, vicious cycle. But i love swimming, so no excuse there not to go. 

Anywho these are some of my experiences with lapband thus far, please feel free to share yours with me, i'd love to hear them.  

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