Monday, January 10, 2011

Once upon a time....


Rock bottom is such a loosely used term...but once at 'rock bottom' the way it feels is not so casual as the phrase is used, it really does feel like I am at that very bottom and at the lowest of low point of life right now. Not suicidal, i am just not that selfish. I am sorry to start so morbid and the REAL me is really not so depressing. However i have not felt like the real me for so so long, so long in fact, i fear i have almost completely lost the upbeat, happy-go-lucky, confident me and that is why instead of going down into more of a slumber, i am making a change...once and for all. I sound so ambitious and corny, like i'm a catch phrase, straight out of a movie similar to Braveheart or something to that affect. But it is true, time for change and that is now!

My blog is titled as 'Once upon a time' as a way to introduce myself and go over the facts. Although i will only be reflecting on where I have come from just this once as i am all about looking to the future and not dwelling on the past, no matter how shitty and 'hard' the past has been, its time to look forward. 

So im a first time blogger, i don't know the in's and outs and to be honest I am unsure of what to expect or how the whole process works. I am only guessing how it is done and for me personally I will be using my blogs as a diary, similar to when i was young but without the friends forever, J.T.T is so hot, i hate my mum, life is so unfair, can't wait to grow up, teenage ramblings. 

So facts:

I am 27 years old
Married - newly wed ( 2months thus far, been with hubby for 5 years, our 6 year anniversary in 10 days!)
No children
Lived in New Zealand almost all my life - Australian born (i keep this hidden from as many kiwis as possible, for obvious reasons).
Full-time student - last year for my Bachelors degree in Health science, major in Rehabilitation.
Employment history - For those who care, i worked in insurance for way too long and even just talking about it makes me gag...most mundane, dull industry, never ever again. I've dabbled in other stuff, did an audio engineering course when i left high school, more of a party and place to hang rather than a actual course. Worked in a electronic company, great people but sucky monkey repetitive work. So now im finally studying something i am passionate about...The area of rehab work i would like to work in is with physical disabilities, mostly because, I myself is an above knee amputee (congenital), i don't want to save the planet or try and play mother Teresa to others, i have had enough personal experience to know there are some half-wit academics working within the field, who know nothing of what life is like disabled and there is nothing worse than someone saying "I know what your going through and i understand" you don't jerk off, nothing you read in some text book will ever make you fully "understand". SO after my tangent, that is my reasons for my chosen study and it's been a long road so far, but im so close, i can taste it! (I've just come to realize, i'm a sucker for cheesy quotes and corny puns...i think i watch far to much T.V and movies...).

Speaking of taste, or anything relating to food, eating, binging, gorging, however you like to explain purpose of blogging is to keep a record of me hopefully losing weight, my journey to health, through blood, sweat and tears and this time no looking back. When i was 16 i weighed 95kg, and since then it has been a never ending roller-coaster of weight gain and lost. My years prior to 16, even though only having 1 leg, i was very active, well as active as i could be. I learnt to walk when i was 3 (even though i was told, i wouldn't be able to until I was 5, i was a determined wee head strong munchkin), i learnt to swim when i was 5 and ride a bike when i was 6. I was a water baby from day 1, my first word was water (true story) and i swam like a tadpole on steroids, my love for swimming and lots of training, took me to the top, i once represented New Zealand in the Sydney wheelchair games, where i won 5 silvers, 4 for swimming and 1 for shot-put. This was many many moons ago and the mere thought of getting up to go swimming every morning and night now, makes me ill, sweat and sad...that girl is long gone...but i want her back so badly.

It wasn't until high school, life became larger and/or lard, in every way possible. I took a year off training when i was 14, and after my year break, i was scheduled to go to New Caledonia to represent NZ again. Sadly, i was a complete push over and was so easily lead astray, i got introduced to smoking, drinking, partying, junk food and all the other enjoyable but damaging things in life. I was a sucker for punishment and loved every minute, wild, care-free and evidently fat!!! New Caledonia never happened for me and i never returned to the pool, in fact, i never returned to anything. I worked like i explained above, went flatting, partied some more, did abit of travelling but nothing to rave about, and basically since 16 weighing 95kg, i have come to this at 27 now weighing 105kg. At my heaviest 2 and a half years ago, i was 128kg. 

My Fat reality:

At 16 i weighed 95kg, my mum, who is a "little" lady, who has always been just below average size for her age and height, was terribly worried for my health and wellbeing took me to see our doctor. I was prescribed anti-depressants, as i was clinically depressed and i was referred to a dietitian at the hospital. That failed and so i was referred to another dietitian, failed again. I guess at the time, i was to young, dumb, stubborn and having to much fun to care about my health and my mentality use to be "I can still be big, as long as im healthy(which i wasn't healthy at all), and people say i have a pretty face"...I should of realised then that what people were really saying was "you have such a pretty face, BUT you would be alot more attractive if you lost some weight".  The world is a shallow place, i'm guilty of shallow thoughts and actions, it's human nature i guess. I have had people stare at me all my life because of the way i walk, and i can honestly say i do not care, i don't blame them, i do it myself, we are curious creatures, if we see something different such as myself hopping along the poolside with nearly a whole leg missing (my stump is very short) people are going to look! And i love a child's approach to curiosity, the world would be a much more honest place is we interacted like children, they blantley ask "why do you have 1 leg?", "What happened?", even "Is you leg still in your mums tummy?" hahah bless them! At least this approach beats around the bullshit, none of this "oh you really can't tell and you carry yourself so well, good on you, well done!" Haha "well done?" honestly people have said this to me before! I don't need to be put on the pity pot and I certainly don't need the patronizing, i understand some people are genuine in what they say and they really do think "good on you" but others not so much. After years of stares, some just plain rude, some justified curiosity, now that I am adult, i care more about what other people think of me more than ever, so much so, i avoid going out like i use too and I even cringe at the idea of having to talk to my neighbour! And not because of my disability, but because i am fat! Its insane and such a viscous cycle, really it is, why am I so scared? And when did i start caring about what others think about me?  It's like a double whammy in my case and no im not 1 of these downer, defensive disabled people who moan on and on about rights and how unfair life is, but i now get people looking at me not just because of my disability but because im fat as well. I know this to be true, i've seen it, people see me walking, look at my fake leg, then they move there eyes upwards and look at my fatty jelly roll stomach, then they look at my face, we meet eyes and they smile....not a smile of "hello, hows your day?", a smile which reads "oh poor dear, you really shouldn't be so overweight since you are disabled, dear oh dear"....I've seen this look 1000 times and I'm over it. Actions really do say a 1000 words....funny old world we live in, I think the dance of human interaction is the most complicated and interesting dances of all. 

 Others over weight probably feel exact same way, people don't see you at 1st glance, they see fat and with fat there are labels attached the same as being disabled - i must be retarded, i know times have changed but these perspectives still linger . Fat = lazy = stupid and unreliable, incompetent (if you can't look after yourself, how can you look after others?) Oh yeah the stereotyping of fatties is universal. Personality characteristics of fat - Fat & jolly, Fat & angry (because we are unhappy), Fat & crazy, Fat & murders, threat to society, criminal...the list goes on. And because these social pressures of stereotyping, are so prevalent, i have actually started to believe them, like i should be acting a certain way or be a certain person because i am a fat woman! Isn't it absurd! I think because I'm fat i should have a merry, giggly boisterous laugh, you know...jolly...OR i should be more aggressive so people can respect me more and not laugh at my fat but be intimidated by it?!? I never shared these thoughts with anyone, because i know they sound completely insane. 

So after my miserable attempts to work with a dietitian over the years, which looking back now, i can honestly say, i didn't really TRY to change or nor could i really be bothered, i didn't care about myself enough and i was too immature to understand the repercussions....oh hindsight is a great thing isn't it?

SO then mum and I went to Jenny Craig, weight watchers and even tried dietary supplements called 'Natural way'. Natural way my ass! They consisted of pills, instead of food, ridiculous, i wasn't willing to pop out my pills too munch on while out at the movies with friends or having a pill on my birthday instead of cake!. When i was 18 and weighed around 100-110kg, i went to my doctor (on my own this time) and asked to be prescribed Xenical. I lost about 8kg on Xenical and that is because ANY fatty food i ate, including good fats, would (and don't read further is you have a weak stomach) dribbled out of my ass, like bright orange oil, and at anytime or place, totally out of my control, even when i was sleeping. I remember i was using Xenical and went to Australia for a holiday, i had 1 piece, no lies, honestly just 1 piece of chicken from KFC and within 10mins, had to run into a public loo and i was too late and i had to dispose of my underwear in the bin! Disgusting i know, on so many levels and that night, i woke in the morning to a very unsettling, upsetting surprise and was so embarrassed, my fault for eating the chicken but come on! I was on holiday and life at 18 without KFC seem unimaginable to me, i was an idiot . That is just 1 of the many horrible truths about Xenical, which i have now heard has been taken off the market due to nasty side effects, like totally screws up your insides, so don't use it and good riddance to it. 

So after the trauma of Xenical, i was prescribed Phentermine, Trade name (Duromine), which is only rarely prescribed by doctors in NZ and for good reason, has a street value of $150-$200 a tray, may have gone up since i was on them, i never sold them myself, just heard this was what they went for. Basically is it an appetite-suppressant and a mild form of speed, so you get a double whammy of  go, go, go get up and move and you don't eat! At first it was amazing, i cleaned like i had OCD and didn't stop moving for 4 days, insomnia and the odd nibble on a sandwich, then bam! I crashed, migraines, irritable, moody, looked like death warmed up, and eyes like golf-balls, skin broke out in rashes and even though the weight came off (i lost 11kg in 4 months), it just wasn't worth it. I was thinner, but grumpier and uglier than ever, looked like i was 50 and i was only 19-20. Plus after around 4 months, it started to wear off, like i had come immune to it, so i said goodbye to prescribed speed, and stopped pill popping for awhile. 

It wasn't until 3 years ago i weighed myself for the 1st time, in so so long. Well i didn't choose to weigh myself, i had too as my doctor needed me too. You see up until that day, i had been in complete denial, i always knew i was over-weight, but on my "pretty face" alone i thought i would be okay and was invincible. I smiled alot (but those smiles were never whole hearteningly, as i hated myself a little), I considered myself pretty up-beat, not up-beat and go but just up-beat (which truth was, i was only 'up-beat' when i got drunk and when good things happened for my friends and family, never for myself), and i guess my pride got in the way of accepting what and who i really was. I went to the doctors as my knee was playing up, it would throb in the winter and it was painful to bend and get up of out a chair. So reality time, i got on the scales and i weighed 128kg! Those numbers and that day will haunt me forever, i had tears and a big bright red face of embarrassment, shame, anger, self-loathing and sadness. Fear was another emotion that hit me, as i knew, if i kept going the way i was, harsh truth is I will end up in a wheelchair, my good knee will not handle carrying 100kg+ forever. 

SO i tried again and again, like so many times before, went to the gym, even had a trainer, did some shot-put and discus training (no im not butch or masculine, i just like the sport), i watched what i ate, blah blah blah and nothing! I lost about 2 kg after 8 months! I had had it! So after long sessions with a psychologist, my doctor, family and some friends, i had lap-band surgery. My 1st surgery was 2 1/2 - nearly 3 years ago, i lost 11kg in 2 weeks on the pre-op diet, which was insanely hard! I was mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for my change of lifestyle and health, the lapband is not a quick fix, or magic solution. It is a tool, like many banders or 'bandits' say, it still takes alot of work and change of lifestyle to see results. Well i new all this, had such hope, motivation, determination and expectation of myself, however sadly it all turned to shit and custard, it has been down hill ever since.

My 1st surgery went okay, it wasn't until i went for my fill (where they put saline in so i feel more restriction) is where i ran into trouble. My surgeon (who is a big asshole and since then i have changed surgeons), could not find my port, which is where they stick in the needle to put in the saline, he poked and prodded for 10 mins! Doesn't sounds long, put i honestly looked and felt like a pin-cushion once he had finished with me. He couldn't find it, made me feel like shit as if it was my fault that he is incompetent,  he referred me to X-ray so they could see what was happening. It was discovered my port had detached itself from the tube that was connected to the ring which goes around your stomach (google it, better than my lame explanation of where everything is and the parts of a lap band), so this meant another lot of surgery. My surgeon showed no remorse or support, he explained the part HE put in must of been faulty! I had to wait 4 months until my next surgery and during that time, i still had no restriction, but thankfully i remained the same weight. So i had another lot of surgery, went to have a fill and bloody hell he couldn't find my port again!!! Went to X-ray, they discovered my port had flipped upside down! WOW honestly i sounded like a drunken sailor, if you had to censor my words at the time, it would of been just 1 big beepppppppppp. Cause fuck me i was distraught and wild! I could not believe this was happening to me! And this was only the beginning. So i had surgery to adjust the flipped port, which thankfully the surgery was not as major as the other 2, it was only day surgery this time. I went for my fill, still having no restriction, which basically means my lapband was not working, and this time it had flipped again, FML!!!!! I changed surgeons, as my surgeon at the time was not only unprofessional in his approach and people skills, he is fucken hopeless at his job! I could write a book about it, i have more stab wounds than 50 cent! Another surgery, new surgeon, who came up with the great idea to change the position of my port, which was on the lower right side of my abdomen, he placed a brand new port part in the low middle in between of my breasts. This last surgery was a year ago and finally with 3 fill's i have lost 14kg, which is fantastic...and through this whole bullshit of what has happened in the last 3 years and 4 surgeries later, i have gone from 122kg to now 105kg. Don't get me wrong this is great but in the last 3 months, things have gone down hill, i have had a fill, but my mind is not focused and my body is certainly not moving. And I've actually gained 4kg since June last year....wahhhhhhhh!  

SO enough moaning, groaning, i'm making a change and going to really try! Up until now, even though i've lost weight, i still don't have a routine or healthy lifestyle, i haven't used the Lapband to it's full potential and i need to exercise, cut out the shit sweet food, im a HUGE sweet tooth, which is dangerous for a bandit as we can eat sugary foods easily, ice cream, chocolate etc. Its plain and simple...For once in my life i feel im ready......I start next Monday, i don't care what anyone says and thinks 'why don't you start now?". It is because for the way i am programmed, i need structure and a plan and this is a huge step and i need to have all areas covered before i start, which isn't an excuse so i can sit and pig-out till then but i need too prepare. Such as having the right foods in the house, grocery day is Wednesday for us and i need to have a work-out buddy, my friend want's to come swimming with me, starting next Monday. I have an exercycle bike i plan to blow the cobwebs off, i know i can do this.

Well i've written a bloody novel! I'm sorry for the waffling and wanking on, i sound really self-absorbed! And i guess right now I am, i have to be! I need to keep my eye on the prize (cheesy saying #2). This week has been my rock bottom and i vow never to go there again....i'll come clean and be honest, i'm on holidays from Uni at the mo' and i didn't shower for 5 days last week, i didn't even brush my teeth, i cooked and clean as usual but couldn't give a shit about myself, hubby seemed concerned but he works very long hours and just came home, showered, ate dinner and went to bed, i think he thought i was just on my period, which i wasn't, who knows what he thought...but yes i was a disgusting, fat lazy pig, i only ate dinner nothing else in the day but once hubby went to bed, i sat on my fat ass till well after midnight and slept till well after lunch the next day, i just stayed up watching T.V and fluffing around online and i ate Nutella with a spoon out of the jar!Nearly every night! SICK! I have never done this before in my life! I am not this person! This is not me! I take pride in how i look, i love getting my hair & nails done, i am very fussy and particular about my eyebrows, i take great care of them, at least i did...i like smelling nice, perfume, make-up, having white, clean teeth is a big deal for me, always looked after them, i care about all these things, i like being glammed up and feeling really feminine and girly, but this last week something in me broke and i didn't give a shit about all that. I didn't even shave my leg! And i didn't speak to a single soul, besides my hubby and even that was brief. And that is only the physical side of my rock bottom, emotionally i was in a very dark place and i haven't been there for years.

So here i am now, i caught up with a very good friend yesterday, i confessed my sloth actions i had the past week to her, she was very supportive and she wants to be my swim buddy. We went swimming yesterday in the river, as it is summer here and she came over and cooked tea, steak, veggies and potatoes, not too un-healthy and she even brought a bottle of booze! Just what i needed, yumo! She really is a great friend. So now i've had a guts full of feeling like a lazy, miserable hopeless fat ass, this is how it has brought me to blogging. I guess writing all my efforts and recording my weight will hopefully help me stay focused, I've never written a blog, hope i am doing it okay. So please any help, advice, tips, or just to say hello is most welcomed. I am no longer in denial, i know what i am, FAT and i don't like matter how you want to glamourise it, fat is fat and theres no denying that (just had to end in cheesy words)....Next Monday....D-DAY - Sink or swim....SWIM all the way! 

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