Saturday, February 5, 2011

The power of numbers....

So i hopped on the scales today not expecting anything amazing and that is what i got. 99.3kg, same as last time and although no lost or gain, i pretty much expected these numbers as i haven't been putting in the effort. 

Nah well i am not going to let it faze me to much, tomorrow is Monday and a start to the new week where im going to up the ante and push myself a little harder. I know i could be going to aqua aerobics 4 times a week as opposed to 3, but i didn't want to start out with too much too soon scared i would find it all to hard and give up. But tomorrow will be my 4th week of aqua aerobics and i feel im ready to do more. Alternatively i was thinking i may incorporate a gym session in my week somewhere, im going to at least check out the gym this week and see all those gym machines up close & personal and look upon them as aides to getting healthy & not bloody horrible painful equipment that i make 1000 excuses to not use them. 

Eating: I have been abit lost this week with my eating habits. I am kind of running out of ideas for healthy recipes. Sounds like an excuse but i've looked at online recipes and the 1's i have found are either way out of my budget or the ingredients are not available where i live. I live in a small town and i drive to a bigger town which is 1 hour away to do my groceries and even there the selection of food products are limited. They have all the basics but none of the fancy pancy stuff or a huge variety of fruit or veg. So if anyone could help me with sending me some healthy easy & cheap recipes or even website links that would be much appreciated. There is only so many times i can eat tuna & vita wheat crackers for lunch and vegetable curry for dinner. Another thing is i am a self taught cooker, noone has ever taught me how to cook, hubby says my cooking is great but he would eat anything put in front of him. So my cooking skills are a work in progress but i am willing to try. I also don't like cooking, if i was to be honest, i don't loath it but i certainly don't get pleasure from it, maybe because i am lazy ,haha. Confession: I had a ice-cream yesterday, 4 chocolate biscuits the day before and drunk 3 glasses of fizzy drink, arghhhhhhhhhh and i feel horrible for it. It is alright to have a treat but not in that way and i don't deserve the treat yet as i haven't done much to deserve it, haha, well thats how i feel anyways. In addition i had my period, which for me sugar is my drug & medicine, my sweet tooth transforms into sweet teeth and every inch of me craves sugar, its very overpowering and i think i need to be stronger with fighting it, i can only but try. I guess i am improving as in the past i would devour a whole cake of chocolate! 

Exercise: I know i am capable of more, just because i go to aqua aerobics for a hour, doesn't mean i should just come home and sit on my arse and do nothing until my next session, i need to be moving move in between. It is still hard but very slowly getting easier, just getting to the swimming pool and putting on my togs can be hard as my lazy thoughts kick in but once im there it is so worth it and im glad i went and not pulled out. Friday sessions kill me as they are in the morning but its a good way to end the week.

Mentality: Ups & downs, starting to feel better, not to the point where i feel invigorated and like a box of fluffys but I am not as low or lost. I am still having my 'low' moments but exercising and getting out and about does help. My depression is slowly being suppressed with getting up and moving, its such a bitch how with being overweight & depression goes hand in hand, depression can effect anyone, anywhere, but as a fatty its a pain in the arse as it really effects what i eat and how much i move and feel, totally vicious cycle but I'm trying my best to break the cycle and i can only but try. I think my biggest down fall is i have too much spare time, time to think about unnecessary bullshit and to much time to feel worthless. My study starts up again soon, but because i study from home i am still not socialising or in a 'normal' routine, which for me is i know is no good. So i am in the process of updating my C.V and hoping to find work asap which isn't easy living in a small town but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. 

Physically: Although the scales are not showing great numbers, physically i am feeling better, not amazing but better. I'm not as achy as i use to be and my knee is not giving me as much grief. Hubby says he thinks i have lost weight in my arms and round my back, which is where i like to call my 'back boobs' are, haha. To have so much fat around my back is disgusting, i use to joke i need a bra for my back, but really its not that funny, so i hoping to work that area more. My main problem area is my stomach, im a typical apple shape, im fat all over but my stomach is bigger than some pregnant woman, i know i change it, in fact im determine to do so. 

So all in all, i haven't had a very productive week, having my period hasn't helped, but hey i have to keep my eye on the prize and keep going forward and not backwards. I have a wedding to go to in April, i'm wanting to wear a dress, a dress that doesn't look like a potato sack, haha so i'm working towards being able to wear a nice girly dress and a dress i can feel comfortable in. I'm aiming to be at least 5-7kg down by then, i know i can do it! 

Until next time.................

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Short & sweet

Okey dokey this is going to be a semi-short post but in a nut shell:

Aqua-aerobics is going swimmingly (tehe, excuse the pun)....starting to get the hang of it and not as painful as i thought it would be. Went 3 times last week, 1 hour sessions, this week i went on Monday, Wednesday session was cancelled and hoping to go again today and tomorrow. And i am so so so thankful for my dear friend is coming along with me, i honestly believe i would not go without her, i've always been slack trying to exercise on my own. So having her by side pushing me and each other to get up off my ass and go, i don't want to let her or myself down, it can be effort just getting there but once we are there it is so worth it, feels good physically and mentally. 

Weight stats: So im not liking my digital scales very much, they are mind-fu*king me, 1 minute i've lost and then im the same, i stepped on them 3 times in a row and each time got a different reading. Anywho i weighed myself yesterday and im 99.3kg down from 100kg, yayeeeeeee, i got this number more than once so im taking it. Although i weighed myself before and it said 98.6kg, grrrrrr so confusing, who said technological devices have improved is a liar in this instance....i think i need to get some old skool scales so i can an exact reading. 

Eating: So i did very well all last week, my sugar craving were intense, i would of killed for a chocolate bar but i resisted the urge, not even a milo or hot chocolate (as i always thought, i'm not actually EATING chocolate therefore im not as naughty....i'm good at excuses, i've played these games for years). But yes not having sugar was nearly the end of my marriage, haha not really but jeeus it was hard. Yesterday i ate something very naughty for the 1st time in 9 days. Confession time, i had a slice of chocolate caramel slice, it wasn't a big piece but it wasn't a teeny tiny piece either, talk about heaven! I had no regrets, except for i felt abit ill later on, but i think that was because i drank so much water afterwards and felt soooooo bloated! I also tried to eat half a sausage roll but it got stuck and i threw up the whole lot....boooooooo probably for the best, i shouldn't be eating it anyways but i've always been abit of a rebel. Other than that, what i have been eating has been so so, not amazing like a health freak but not gorging or full of fat and sugar either. And portion sizes have been excellent, so i give myself a B+

Mentality: Pretty average, the sugar cravings severely effected my mood last week and on top of all that, me and hubby been having some problems but things are coming right now and looking up. I got to keep to the eye on the prize, health, well-being and happiness. 

So i'll keep podding along.....thinking i do need to join the gym though, i know i could be doing more! 

Until next time......................

Monday, January 17, 2011

Feel the burn......

Ok so i had planned to write this post yesterday but after the evening aqua aerobics, i was completely buggard! But in the best way possible! Having not exercised for such a long time, i was very surprised that i didn't drown or sink or pull out, very pleased i did the full hour and overall i can honestly say i loved every minute! 

So I'm going back again tomorrow, me and my friend did very well yesterday and being newbies we may or may not went as hardout as we could of done or maybe we weren't doing some of the exercises the right way, haha but we tried our best and we felt the burn. 

Today i did 25 minutes non stop on the the exercycle, with 5 minute intervals of going what i call very fast, and for a girl who is so unfit, i certainly felt like jelly once finished and i was sweating like a piglet but again it felt great. 

As for eating, i had 4 vita wheat crackers & a small can (90g) of tuna for lunch yesterday and for dinner i had a smallish portion of 2 1/2 potato's,  silver beet, and slow cooked honey pork, which my lovely friend made for dinner and it was delicious! Today i had a very small bowl of homemade Tikka Masala vegetable curry & 2 bits of pita bread for lunch and low-fat chicken Quesadillas for dinner. I had a craving for sweet glorious sugar earlier, so i had a chub a chub lolliepop & for a afternoon snack i had a banana. In addition, i have drunk so much water, i'm getting extra exercise by getting up and down to go to the loo! haha. And talk about willpower, hubby went to the shop before and before he left asked me "do you want anything?", usually i would say "ice-cream" or "chocolate bar" etc. etc. but this time i said "no thanks, im fine". Woah huge step for me...i'm determined to keep this up. 

So i hope i am doing all the right things, i don't expect to be Michael Phelps in the pool anytime soon or look like a supermodel but every little bit of getting up & moving, is better than doing nothing i guess. 

OH also i brought some new electronic scales the other day and at the time i weighed 100.5kg and today i am 100kg exactly, so i don't know if the scales are very sensitive and not very accurate, but 100kg i will take and use as my starting weight. In 3 weeks time, i expect to be 5kg down.....bring. it. on. 

Just 1 last thing, i had a moment of paranoia when i woke up this morning, i had an unusual throbbing in my stomach and i thought oh nooooooooo, something is wrong with my band!!!! But as the day has gone on, it has been fine now and funny thing is, what i actually think it was, was my stomach muscles re-adjusting themselves as i haven't used these muscles in so damn long! Dear oh deary me....muscles under all this flab is so very hard to believe, maybe i will get to see them one day but for now i'd just be happy to be able to wear a pair of jeans without suffocating me and without the jelly roll spilling out over the top. 

Until tomorrow.....

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Photos of shame....

I thought i should put up some 'Before' pictures, so i can look at them when i may need to find some motivation to never be this girl ever again. I avoid camera's like the plague, for obvious reasons and if i MUST have my photo taken 99% of the time i make sure it is from the neck up and even then they are not that flattering as my 6 chins get in the way of the shot. Anywho theses are some photos i have found, i tried my best to find full body shots, which were few and far between.

Viewer discretion is advised...they are not nice to look have been warned,lol,  thanks : ) 

Can you guess who is me? Yes correct, I am the big blimp in blue....not wanting to look at the camera :(  

Here i was tricked into looking towards the camera as someone said my name....sneaky sneaky. The beautiful girl next to me is 1 of my B.F.F's and the other foxy ladies are some of her lovely family members. 

Ok i would not blame anyone for asking me if i was pregnant in this photo...this is me in Rarotonga, where me and my hub's got married.  I look revolting.

This is not a full body shot...but i can not believe the size of my fat face! : ( 

This is me on my hens night, i was forced by my wonderful friends to wear this! I had a blast but loathed the photos i had to take, i look like a drag queen oompa loompa, lol. However after many wines, shots & glasses of punch later i couldn't of cared less, yipeeeeeeeee, haha, my dear friends also surprised me with a stripper....i will never look at a fireman the same, yumo! 

Ewwwwwwwww i cringe looking at this picture, you can see in my face that i knew it was going to be a horrible photo...

This photo makes me very can see in my eyes how uncomfortable i am, feeling like a beached whale. I had just been swimming and snorkeling with Hubby and within seconds of getting out of the water, i was sweating! I was in paradise but i felt i couldn't enjoy it due to my fatness, i will return to Rarotonga 1 day and next time...i will be mostly fat free! I make a promise to myself...I WILL CHANGE! 

This is me and the most beautiful, wonderful, special person in my life, my bestest friend, my nana. I was genuinely happy here, spending time with nana, even though my arm is the same width if not bigger, than my nana's head. 

This is me and my stunning sis on my wedding day. Again i do not want to face the camera, happiest day of my life but not so happy in my own skin. I was wearing a corset, which almost killed me and humidity completely raped my hair, other than that it was a amazing day.

Vomit...this is me and my darling hubs, it was taken about 2 years ago but i HATE this photo. Hubs looks so handsome and i look so unhealthy...

This is me and my gorgeous BFF, if i was a lesbian I am sure she would be my soulmate, known me since i was 5 years old and i love her more than some of my own family members. Here we are about to take a mine tour and i am wearing the biggest vest size they had and it just fitted! Actually if i remember correctly, i don't think i could do the bottom button up : ( Jeezzzz talk about reality check....

My goodness....i was caught off guard and bam, here i am! I think i would make a good sumo wrestler, other than that i can't think of anything nice to say about this photo. The sunburn, the shear size of did anyone not tell me how disgusting i look? Deep down i know the truth...but i have never been very good at hearing it.

Oh my darling sure is for me if you really really look into my eyes, you can see the sadness, unhappiness and pain of being fat & unhealthy. It was hot in Rarotonga but hubs face is nowhere near as shiny as mine. 

Well thats enough photos for now...i don't think i can bare to look at anymore, its too much and painful but all this is about to change, i'm gonna make damn sure of it! It was hard enough just posting these photos on here, these are photos i normally screw up, delete, burn and/or NEVER show a single soul, embarrassing to say the least.  

P.S Hi to the lovely people who are following me, thanks for your support. Hope you are all well and happy and i'd love to hear from you sometime. Even if you don't read all my posts and i don't blame you because i do waffle on, it is still nice to know you are there...thank you. Take care. 
Cant wait to feel the burn on Monday, I start aqua aerobics and i can honestly say i am really really looking forward to it! Until then.....

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Lapband pressures

So I hadn't planned to write another blog until Monday (D-DAY for getting off my ass and making a change), but i thought i would discuss my lapband journey abit more in depth. 

Although i have had an insanely rare and crazy journey with the complications with my 4 surgeries, at the end of the day, i am still better off thanks to lapband. 

I mean i look at the past 3years and although my lapband journey only actually properly started just under a year ago, i honestly believe if i didn't have my band, then i would probably be at least 20+kg bigger than i am now. Sure i haven't had amazing results yet, mostly due to me being a fatty boom boom and living like a sloth, but i have not gained a crazy amount of weight either. So in a way Lapband has been a great tool in that sense. It really is such a shame that i've had such a bitch of road of complications as i was really focused and determined 3 years ago when i had my 1st surgery and it all turned to cow dung. But im not going to wallow, i think i can say im learning to let go of my anger around whats happened, no more "woe is me" and more "go is me!" haha Cheese....hmmm i love cheese

Something has ignited in me again and my determination is back, i just hope i can maintain it, it won't be easy but i think baby steps is the key. I have a food plan all good to go and as for weight loss expectations, i am hoping for 5kg in 3 weeks to start off, i know i can do this.

I think some of the hardest hurdles for me personally living with the lapband has been the pressures of expectation from others. Like i said in my previous post, all of a sudden i now actually really give a shit what other people think of me, i dunno why and i never did as a teen or child, but now im so insanely self-conscious and my self esteem is none existent. When i had my first lap band surgery 3 years ago, i told my closet friends and family and only 3 of my work colleges. I was apprehensive at 1st about telling my nearest and dearest, and i don't know why i felt so afraid or embarrassed? I mean these are people who have loved and cared for me all my life, so why did i not want to tell them my exciting life changing news? Well i told them anyways and my darling hubby was and still is supportive all the way, even being average weight and tonned all his life, hubby has been the best supportive network above everyone else, as he tells me its not the weight or size i am that he cares about, its about being healthy and he wants me to be around, so he can love me forever. Yes he is abit of a Romeo at times and my bestest friend, but don't get me wrong, he's far from the 'perfect' male, if there is such a thing but all in all i wouldn't trade him for the world. 

So i told me closest friends and family about my lapband surgery....and when it all turned to shit the 1st time, they were still supportive and caring but after the 4th surgery, i was given a somewhat different response and reaction. Every family gathering, or party with friends and catch ups, i'd walk in the room and all eyes on me, well thats how i felt, as if i was on display and everyone was assessing me and my body to see if i had lost any weight. In addition, i had the same questions, "hows IT all going?", "what do you eat now?", "do you think it is working?"...these are fair questions but to have them asked EVERY TIME i go to a gathering and made to be the highlight topic of conversation, was very embarrassing and i felt very uncomfortable...more so than normal. 

What made it worse, is when i stopped losing weight for awhile, and psychologically this messed with my head, i didn't want to face anyone as i knew the same questions would be asked and expectations and lapband pressures would be expected of me, if i did manage to drag myself to an event, i wouldn't eat or drink anything in front of anyone, just so they wouldn't think poorly of me. 

So if i could turn back the clock, i think i would of kept my lapband surgery a secret, i don't know if anyone else has felt this way? But i think a big key to weight loss, with or without surgery is about sorting out alot of mental issues and making sure you have the right support networks around you. I am the biggest amongst all my friends, im bigger by at leasts 25-30kg, this has never been an issue, as i have wonderful life long friends who have known me since i was 5, but i still can't help but feel judge....i have silly thoughts that they are thinking, "why haven't you lost more?", "what a waste of money and time, you should be smaller and stronger by now why aren't you?"...i broke down to my mum a few months ago before we had to go to a gathering with both friends and family and confessed my feelings about my anxiety about facing everyone, as truth is i haven't lost as much i would like, or should of, and mum replied "well you don't have to go if you don't want too! Its Okay". This made me think that what i was thinking is true! FAILURE is the word i am looking for...because that is what i felt was tattooed on my forehead.
 I'm probably being over sensitive, but this has been just 1 of the many lapband experiences i have had. 

Anywho i am really amped up for Monday and getting active, which has always been my biggest problem and thats shaking my jelly, although i love having a good boogie, but regular exercise just seemed to hard, but to swim in a pool should be a piece of piss.  Obviously I do not eat like i use to before my band, i get food stuck and i spew sometimes, depends on what im eating and when and where i'm eating it. Normally 1st meal of the day, is when i can spew, again depending on what time it is. When i say spew, i am not power chucking, i can feel when my food is stuck, i sit and don't eat, talk or drink when i am stuck, i try and wait for it to pass, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I have to admit i get really upset if i have a meal ready to eat that I am really looking forward too and sometimes even if it soup, I can't keep it down, i've had that happen only a few times but there is nothing worse than being so hungry, trying to eat, even very slowly and not keeping it down, i cry sometimes, because being a food lover all my life, it is torture! Plus sometimes having it stuck can be painful, it know i don't need a fill reduction, it is just me eating at the wrong times of the day and most of the times, the wrong foods. 

If it doesn't pass through i go to the loo, and i just softly cough, no dry retching or gagging, i don't even have to try, i just open my mouth and its done, unblocked. After my 1st spew, i am 99% of time fine after that, i start eating again very very slowly, little bites at a time, on the rare occasion i get stuck again but very seldom. Once abit of food is down, im away laughing and i can eat till im nice and full. I don't spew all the time, but i find when im eating out, it can be a real pain in the ass. I don't know if sub-consciously i am paranoid or anxious about my food getting stuck before hand and this can make my stomach tighten with out my control,  because eating out can be a mission and i always have to make sure a toilet is close by. I guess 1 bonus about me telling my friends and family about my band is that they know that when i pop off to the loo, weather it be 10 times over dinner, they know whats going on. Also they understand why, sometimes it take me 1-1 1/2 (i am not joking) to eat my dinner. I eat cold meals often. Also stress can play a big factor when eating, less stress, less chances of getting stuck and make sure to be sitting comfortably. I don't remember the last time i ate on the go. And if i was really honest, i can eat nearly everything, burgers, steak, bread, all the big no no's of lapband. But i don't eat them often, especially fast food, takes me about 2hours + to eat 1 burger, i kid you not...sometimes its just to much effort for 1 cold burger. 

So what i am doing wrong is, i am not eating regularly, like lunch and dinner at the suitable times and i'm not giving my body the right foods, i will never eat breakfast, i've tried and i just can't, i get physically ill, i have a coffee and smoke (yes im a dirty smoker 2, another thing i want to give up) for breakfast. BUT my major hang up is i do not exercise, not at all! Only housework but other than that, nothing. I am not a big walker, mainly because it hurts my stump to much, because i am fat 2 much walking rubs it raw, blisters etc. its not an excuse, just the truth 2 fat to walk and if i do i bleed, so i don't walk and i get fatter, vicious cycle. But i love swimming, so no excuse there not to go. 

Anywho these are some of my experiences with lapband thus far, please feel free to share yours with me, i'd love to hear them.  

Monday, January 10, 2011

Once upon a time....


Rock bottom is such a loosely used term...but once at 'rock bottom' the way it feels is not so casual as the phrase is used, it really does feel like I am at that very bottom and at the lowest of low point of life right now. Not suicidal, i am just not that selfish. I am sorry to start so morbid and the REAL me is really not so depressing. However i have not felt like the real me for so so long, so long in fact, i fear i have almost completely lost the upbeat, happy-go-lucky, confident me and that is why instead of going down into more of a slumber, i am making a change...once and for all. I sound so ambitious and corny, like i'm a catch phrase, straight out of a movie similar to Braveheart or something to that affect. But it is true, time for change and that is now!

My blog is titled as 'Once upon a time' as a way to introduce myself and go over the facts. Although i will only be reflecting on where I have come from just this once as i am all about looking to the future and not dwelling on the past, no matter how shitty and 'hard' the past has been, its time to look forward. 

So im a first time blogger, i don't know the in's and outs and to be honest I am unsure of what to expect or how the whole process works. I am only guessing how it is done and for me personally I will be using my blogs as a diary, similar to when i was young but without the friends forever, J.T.T is so hot, i hate my mum, life is so unfair, can't wait to grow up, teenage ramblings. 

So facts:

I am 27 years old
Married - newly wed ( 2months thus far, been with hubby for 5 years, our 6 year anniversary in 10 days!)
No children
Lived in New Zealand almost all my life - Australian born (i keep this hidden from as many kiwis as possible, for obvious reasons).
Full-time student - last year for my Bachelors degree in Health science, major in Rehabilitation.
Employment history - For those who care, i worked in insurance for way too long and even just talking about it makes me gag...most mundane, dull industry, never ever again. I've dabbled in other stuff, did an audio engineering course when i left high school, more of a party and place to hang rather than a actual course. Worked in a electronic company, great people but sucky monkey repetitive work. So now im finally studying something i am passionate about...The area of rehab work i would like to work in is with physical disabilities, mostly because, I myself is an above knee amputee (congenital), i don't want to save the planet or try and play mother Teresa to others, i have had enough personal experience to know there are some half-wit academics working within the field, who know nothing of what life is like disabled and there is nothing worse than someone saying "I know what your going through and i understand" you don't jerk off, nothing you read in some text book will ever make you fully "understand". SO after my tangent, that is my reasons for my chosen study and it's been a long road so far, but im so close, i can taste it! (I've just come to realize, i'm a sucker for cheesy quotes and corny puns...i think i watch far to much T.V and movies...).

Speaking of taste, or anything relating to food, eating, binging, gorging, however you like to explain purpose of blogging is to keep a record of me hopefully losing weight, my journey to health, through blood, sweat and tears and this time no looking back. When i was 16 i weighed 95kg, and since then it has been a never ending roller-coaster of weight gain and lost. My years prior to 16, even though only having 1 leg, i was very active, well as active as i could be. I learnt to walk when i was 3 (even though i was told, i wouldn't be able to until I was 5, i was a determined wee head strong munchkin), i learnt to swim when i was 5 and ride a bike when i was 6. I was a water baby from day 1, my first word was water (true story) and i swam like a tadpole on steroids, my love for swimming and lots of training, took me to the top, i once represented New Zealand in the Sydney wheelchair games, where i won 5 silvers, 4 for swimming and 1 for shot-put. This was many many moons ago and the mere thought of getting up to go swimming every morning and night now, makes me ill, sweat and sad...that girl is long gone...but i want her back so badly.

It wasn't until high school, life became larger and/or lard, in every way possible. I took a year off training when i was 14, and after my year break, i was scheduled to go to New Caledonia to represent NZ again. Sadly, i was a complete push over and was so easily lead astray, i got introduced to smoking, drinking, partying, junk food and all the other enjoyable but damaging things in life. I was a sucker for punishment and loved every minute, wild, care-free and evidently fat!!! New Caledonia never happened for me and i never returned to the pool, in fact, i never returned to anything. I worked like i explained above, went flatting, partied some more, did abit of travelling but nothing to rave about, and basically since 16 weighing 95kg, i have come to this at 27 now weighing 105kg. At my heaviest 2 and a half years ago, i was 128kg. 

My Fat reality:

At 16 i weighed 95kg, my mum, who is a "little" lady, who has always been just below average size for her age and height, was terribly worried for my health and wellbeing took me to see our doctor. I was prescribed anti-depressants, as i was clinically depressed and i was referred to a dietitian at the hospital. That failed and so i was referred to another dietitian, failed again. I guess at the time, i was to young, dumb, stubborn and having to much fun to care about my health and my mentality use to be "I can still be big, as long as im healthy(which i wasn't healthy at all), and people say i have a pretty face"...I should of realised then that what people were really saying was "you have such a pretty face, BUT you would be alot more attractive if you lost some weight".  The world is a shallow place, i'm guilty of shallow thoughts and actions, it's human nature i guess. I have had people stare at me all my life because of the way i walk, and i can honestly say i do not care, i don't blame them, i do it myself, we are curious creatures, if we see something different such as myself hopping along the poolside with nearly a whole leg missing (my stump is very short) people are going to look! And i love a child's approach to curiosity, the world would be a much more honest place is we interacted like children, they blantley ask "why do you have 1 leg?", "What happened?", even "Is you leg still in your mums tummy?" hahah bless them! At least this approach beats around the bullshit, none of this "oh you really can't tell and you carry yourself so well, good on you, well done!" Haha "well done?" honestly people have said this to me before! I don't need to be put on the pity pot and I certainly don't need the patronizing, i understand some people are genuine in what they say and they really do think "good on you" but others not so much. After years of stares, some just plain rude, some justified curiosity, now that I am adult, i care more about what other people think of me more than ever, so much so, i avoid going out like i use too and I even cringe at the idea of having to talk to my neighbour! And not because of my disability, but because i am fat! Its insane and such a viscous cycle, really it is, why am I so scared? And when did i start caring about what others think about me?  It's like a double whammy in my case and no im not 1 of these downer, defensive disabled people who moan on and on about rights and how unfair life is, but i now get people looking at me not just because of my disability but because im fat as well. I know this to be true, i've seen it, people see me walking, look at my fake leg, then they move there eyes upwards and look at my fatty jelly roll stomach, then they look at my face, we meet eyes and they smile....not a smile of "hello, hows your day?", a smile which reads "oh poor dear, you really shouldn't be so overweight since you are disabled, dear oh dear"....I've seen this look 1000 times and I'm over it. Actions really do say a 1000 words....funny old world we live in, I think the dance of human interaction is the most complicated and interesting dances of all. 

 Others over weight probably feel exact same way, people don't see you at 1st glance, they see fat and with fat there are labels attached the same as being disabled - i must be retarded, i know times have changed but these perspectives still linger . Fat = lazy = stupid and unreliable, incompetent (if you can't look after yourself, how can you look after others?) Oh yeah the stereotyping of fatties is universal. Personality characteristics of fat - Fat & jolly, Fat & angry (because we are unhappy), Fat & crazy, Fat & murders, threat to society, criminal...the list goes on. And because these social pressures of stereotyping, are so prevalent, i have actually started to believe them, like i should be acting a certain way or be a certain person because i am a fat woman! Isn't it absurd! I think because I'm fat i should have a merry, giggly boisterous laugh, you know...jolly...OR i should be more aggressive so people can respect me more and not laugh at my fat but be intimidated by it?!? I never shared these thoughts with anyone, because i know they sound completely insane. 

So after my miserable attempts to work with a dietitian over the years, which looking back now, i can honestly say, i didn't really TRY to change or nor could i really be bothered, i didn't care about myself enough and i was too immature to understand the repercussions....oh hindsight is a great thing isn't it?

SO then mum and I went to Jenny Craig, weight watchers and even tried dietary supplements called 'Natural way'. Natural way my ass! They consisted of pills, instead of food, ridiculous, i wasn't willing to pop out my pills too munch on while out at the movies with friends or having a pill on my birthday instead of cake!. When i was 18 and weighed around 100-110kg, i went to my doctor (on my own this time) and asked to be prescribed Xenical. I lost about 8kg on Xenical and that is because ANY fatty food i ate, including good fats, would (and don't read further is you have a weak stomach) dribbled out of my ass, like bright orange oil, and at anytime or place, totally out of my control, even when i was sleeping. I remember i was using Xenical and went to Australia for a holiday, i had 1 piece, no lies, honestly just 1 piece of chicken from KFC and within 10mins, had to run into a public loo and i was too late and i had to dispose of my underwear in the bin! Disgusting i know, on so many levels and that night, i woke in the morning to a very unsettling, upsetting surprise and was so embarrassed, my fault for eating the chicken but come on! I was on holiday and life at 18 without KFC seem unimaginable to me, i was an idiot . That is just 1 of the many horrible truths about Xenical, which i have now heard has been taken off the market due to nasty side effects, like totally screws up your insides, so don't use it and good riddance to it. 

So after the trauma of Xenical, i was prescribed Phentermine, Trade name (Duromine), which is only rarely prescribed by doctors in NZ and for good reason, has a street value of $150-$200 a tray, may have gone up since i was on them, i never sold them myself, just heard this was what they went for. Basically is it an appetite-suppressant and a mild form of speed, so you get a double whammy of  go, go, go get up and move and you don't eat! At first it was amazing, i cleaned like i had OCD and didn't stop moving for 4 days, insomnia and the odd nibble on a sandwich, then bam! I crashed, migraines, irritable, moody, looked like death warmed up, and eyes like golf-balls, skin broke out in rashes and even though the weight came off (i lost 11kg in 4 months), it just wasn't worth it. I was thinner, but grumpier and uglier than ever, looked like i was 50 and i was only 19-20. Plus after around 4 months, it started to wear off, like i had come immune to it, so i said goodbye to prescribed speed, and stopped pill popping for awhile. 

It wasn't until 3 years ago i weighed myself for the 1st time, in so so long. Well i didn't choose to weigh myself, i had too as my doctor needed me too. You see up until that day, i had been in complete denial, i always knew i was over-weight, but on my "pretty face" alone i thought i would be okay and was invincible. I smiled alot (but those smiles were never whole hearteningly, as i hated myself a little), I considered myself pretty up-beat, not up-beat and go but just up-beat (which truth was, i was only 'up-beat' when i got drunk and when good things happened for my friends and family, never for myself), and i guess my pride got in the way of accepting what and who i really was. I went to the doctors as my knee was playing up, it would throb in the winter and it was painful to bend and get up of out a chair. So reality time, i got on the scales and i weighed 128kg! Those numbers and that day will haunt me forever, i had tears and a big bright red face of embarrassment, shame, anger, self-loathing and sadness. Fear was another emotion that hit me, as i knew, if i kept going the way i was, harsh truth is I will end up in a wheelchair, my good knee will not handle carrying 100kg+ forever. 

SO i tried again and again, like so many times before, went to the gym, even had a trainer, did some shot-put and discus training (no im not butch or masculine, i just like the sport), i watched what i ate, blah blah blah and nothing! I lost about 2 kg after 8 months! I had had it! So after long sessions with a psychologist, my doctor, family and some friends, i had lap-band surgery. My 1st surgery was 2 1/2 - nearly 3 years ago, i lost 11kg in 2 weeks on the pre-op diet, which was insanely hard! I was mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for my change of lifestyle and health, the lapband is not a quick fix, or magic solution. It is a tool, like many banders or 'bandits' say, it still takes alot of work and change of lifestyle to see results. Well i new all this, had such hope, motivation, determination and expectation of myself, however sadly it all turned to shit and custard, it has been down hill ever since.

My 1st surgery went okay, it wasn't until i went for my fill (where they put saline in so i feel more restriction) is where i ran into trouble. My surgeon (who is a big asshole and since then i have changed surgeons), could not find my port, which is where they stick in the needle to put in the saline, he poked and prodded for 10 mins! Doesn't sounds long, put i honestly looked and felt like a pin-cushion once he had finished with me. He couldn't find it, made me feel like shit as if it was my fault that he is incompetent,  he referred me to X-ray so they could see what was happening. It was discovered my port had detached itself from the tube that was connected to the ring which goes around your stomach (google it, better than my lame explanation of where everything is and the parts of a lap band), so this meant another lot of surgery. My surgeon showed no remorse or support, he explained the part HE put in must of been faulty! I had to wait 4 months until my next surgery and during that time, i still had no restriction, but thankfully i remained the same weight. So i had another lot of surgery, went to have a fill and bloody hell he couldn't find my port again!!! Went to X-ray, they discovered my port had flipped upside down! WOW honestly i sounded like a drunken sailor, if you had to censor my words at the time, it would of been just 1 big beepppppppppp. Cause fuck me i was distraught and wild! I could not believe this was happening to me! And this was only the beginning. So i had surgery to adjust the flipped port, which thankfully the surgery was not as major as the other 2, it was only day surgery this time. I went for my fill, still having no restriction, which basically means my lapband was not working, and this time it had flipped again, FML!!!!! I changed surgeons, as my surgeon at the time was not only unprofessional in his approach and people skills, he is fucken hopeless at his job! I could write a book about it, i have more stab wounds than 50 cent! Another surgery, new surgeon, who came up with the great idea to change the position of my port, which was on the lower right side of my abdomen, he placed a brand new port part in the low middle in between of my breasts. This last surgery was a year ago and finally with 3 fill's i have lost 14kg, which is fantastic...and through this whole bullshit of what has happened in the last 3 years and 4 surgeries later, i have gone from 122kg to now 105kg. Don't get me wrong this is great but in the last 3 months, things have gone down hill, i have had a fill, but my mind is not focused and my body is certainly not moving. And I've actually gained 4kg since June last year....wahhhhhhhh!  

SO enough moaning, groaning, i'm making a change and going to really try! Up until now, even though i've lost weight, i still don't have a routine or healthy lifestyle, i haven't used the Lapband to it's full potential and i need to exercise, cut out the shit sweet food, im a HUGE sweet tooth, which is dangerous for a bandit as we can eat sugary foods easily, ice cream, chocolate etc. Its plain and simple...For once in my life i feel im ready......I start next Monday, i don't care what anyone says and thinks 'why don't you start now?". It is because for the way i am programmed, i need structure and a plan and this is a huge step and i need to have all areas covered before i start, which isn't an excuse so i can sit and pig-out till then but i need too prepare. Such as having the right foods in the house, grocery day is Wednesday for us and i need to have a work-out buddy, my friend want's to come swimming with me, starting next Monday. I have an exercycle bike i plan to blow the cobwebs off, i know i can do this.

Well i've written a bloody novel! I'm sorry for the waffling and wanking on, i sound really self-absorbed! And i guess right now I am, i have to be! I need to keep my eye on the prize (cheesy saying #2). This week has been my rock bottom and i vow never to go there again....i'll come clean and be honest, i'm on holidays from Uni at the mo' and i didn't shower for 5 days last week, i didn't even brush my teeth, i cooked and clean as usual but couldn't give a shit about myself, hubby seemed concerned but he works very long hours and just came home, showered, ate dinner and went to bed, i think he thought i was just on my period, which i wasn't, who knows what he thought...but yes i was a disgusting, fat lazy pig, i only ate dinner nothing else in the day but once hubby went to bed, i sat on my fat ass till well after midnight and slept till well after lunch the next day, i just stayed up watching T.V and fluffing around online and i ate Nutella with a spoon out of the jar!Nearly every night! SICK! I have never done this before in my life! I am not this person! This is not me! I take pride in how i look, i love getting my hair & nails done, i am very fussy and particular about my eyebrows, i take great care of them, at least i did...i like smelling nice, perfume, make-up, having white, clean teeth is a big deal for me, always looked after them, i care about all these things, i like being glammed up and feeling really feminine and girly, but this last week something in me broke and i didn't give a shit about all that. I didn't even shave my leg! And i didn't speak to a single soul, besides my hubby and even that was brief. And that is only the physical side of my rock bottom, emotionally i was in a very dark place and i haven't been there for years.

So here i am now, i caught up with a very good friend yesterday, i confessed my sloth actions i had the past week to her, she was very supportive and she wants to be my swim buddy. We went swimming yesterday in the river, as it is summer here and she came over and cooked tea, steak, veggies and potatoes, not too un-healthy and she even brought a bottle of booze! Just what i needed, yumo! She really is a great friend. So now i've had a guts full of feeling like a lazy, miserable hopeless fat ass, this is how it has brought me to blogging. I guess writing all my efforts and recording my weight will hopefully help me stay focused, I've never written a blog, hope i am doing it okay. So please any help, advice, tips, or just to say hello is most welcomed. I am no longer in denial, i know what i am, FAT and i don't like matter how you want to glamourise it, fat is fat and theres no denying that (just had to end in cheesy words)....Next Monday....D-DAY - Sink or swim....SWIM all the way!